Up and under the table

Two pirate couples were playing poker one evening. Red beard accidentally dropped some cards on the floor, and when he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Barnacle Bill's wife, Sallyforth, wasn't wearing any underwear.

Somewhat shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and since he was a shy pirated, emerged red-faced.

Later, Red Beard went to the galley to get some refreshments. Sallyforth followed and asked, flirtationsly: 'You got up awfully quickly after you dropped the cards. Why’d you bump your head? Was there something you saw that surprised you?'

Encouraged by her boldness, Red Beard admitted that, indeed, he had.

Sallyforth then said, "Well, if you want some, it’ll cost you 500 pieces of eight.'

Red Beard admitted that he was interested, and the price sounded O.K. Sallyforth told him that her husband, Barnacle Bill, worked late Fridays, and that he, John, should show up at her house around 2 p.m.

On Friday, after paying Sallyforth the sum of 500 pieces of eight, Red Beard and Sallyforth retired to the bedroom and 'closed their transaction.' Afterwards, Red Beard quickly dressed and left.

Barnacle Bill came home from work, on schedule, at 6 p.m., and asked his wife out of the blue: 'By the way, did Red Beard come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sallyforth answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

'And did he give you 500 pieces of eight?'

Mustering her best poker face, Sallyforth replied, 'Well, as a matter of fact he did. How did you know?'

Barnacle Bill grinned: "Good. Red Beard came by the office this morning and asked me for a short term loan of 500 pieces of eight. He said he'd be able to drop by this afternoon on his way home and give it to you.

cleaning plates with cold water

A new pirate crew member had just spent his first night aboard ship. Since the ship was freshly provisioned, the cook served eggs and bacon for breakfast.

The new crew member was unusually fastidious for a pirate and noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he questioned the cook about whether the plate was clean.

Th cook replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get 'em, so go on an' finish yer grub."

That afternoon, while eating lunch, the new mate noticed specks around the edges of his plate and what looked like dried egg yolk. So, he asked again, "Are ye sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up, the cook growled, "Aarrhh! I told ye afore, them dishes are as clean as cold water can get 'em. Now, don' ask agin !

Later that afternoon, the new mate ran afoul of the cook's dog. "Cook ! Call off yer cur !

Without diverting his attention from the soccer game he was watching on tv, the cook growled, "Coldwater, come here and quit yer bitchin'."

SPAGHETTI

 For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write Spaghetti on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day,about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."